Clouds

White whisps that paint the sky.

Water vapor and regrets take the form of ribbons, mountains, or cotton. 

The shapes they form are forever changing, as minds so often are.

As the sun goes down on another day, glory and beauty are reflected in shades of tangerine and pink.

The swirling winds transform those clouds from their mournful state, into a montage of human emotion. 

The pearlescent collections of nature's requests and human wishes, are reflected in the rivers that ferry the secrets of the hopeless wanderer. 

The opposite gender

I have high expectations. High expectations of myself, my friends, my family, and of men. This can be both a curse and a blessing, especially the men part. This leads me to the subject of this post: men, guys, dudes. Those members of the opposite sex that overtime can lead to a marked decrease in the sanity of the rest of the population.

I have never had the best luck with guys. Actually I take that back, I had a great first boyfriend my sophomore year of high school and had another one that left me no better or worse for the wear. Other than that, my experience with the other gender has been the typical college one-night stand (more than I would like to admit) and one attempt at dating that fizzled out after two weeks. Pathetic I know.

Now that I have mended my slightly promiscuous ways, I have come to the conclusion that most guys my age are worthless. All they want is sex and can’t hold an intelligent conversation. Being mature females, we expect these guys to be at the same level as us intellectually. Who are we kidding? Despite the fact men are supposed to mature in college, they still cling to their high school ways.

So the point of this seemingly feminist ranting is this: don’t stress yourself out. You are smart, beautiful, and are probably trying to figure out your path in this world as a young, smart woman. It is so not worth it to stress out about guys right now. They don’t know what they are missing! If you are like me, I am more of the introverted, brainy type that has read Harry Potter five times, drinks tea and likes classical music. We are the best kind of girls (obviously!) in the fact we are sure of ourselves and have enough self-worth to take care of our souls. Don’t sacrifice that for a guy that is still under the impression that video gaming is cool and can’t cook himself dinner.

I know some of your friends are engaged and you are worried about dying alone with 17 cats but trust me you are better off. Get your own shit together before you take on the shit of an overgrown man-child. 

My classes

As per the writing epiphany that I mentioned in my last post, I have decided to pursue an Agricultural Communications degree and finally got all of the paperwork and necessary things dealt with to accommodate that. My communications class is wonderful! I have never felt more at home in a college class. The professor is great and we have already submitted one assignment and one quiz. We have a reading assignment due later this afternoon and I actually enjoyed reading the textbook (what a concept). Food Science is bearable and Ag. Econ falls into the same category. Stat should be interesting. Also a first is having people I know in my class! The professor is intense but very passionate about her teaching and seems to want us to succeed. 300 plus students is a little intimidating...

12 hours will be nice and a chance to get my grades up for next semester. I am actually excited to g to class which never happens. I an a happy camper and couldn't be more pleased with my resent decisions regarding my future and education. Now I just need to get organized and finish decorating my room and everything will be fabulous!

Numb

I am numb. I have been numb for the last 7 and a half days. I cant tell you if it was just the thought of going back to school or knowing how much I would miss being at home. A little while ago, I was told that “numb is something”. This time I think that something is a reversion to my most basic coping mechanism in order to deal with leaving again. The numb is starting to ware off as I get busier with the first day of class and official team activities. This numbness frightened me due to my recent encounters with the emotion and all of the negative feelings associated with it. 

My writing Epiphany couldn't have come at a better time. What I was feeling over the summer was anything but numb; the complete opposite actually. There was turbulent thoughts and feelings that came coursing to the surface as soon as the pressure from the school year was lifted. I found myself sitting on bridges watching traffic for hours at night just so I could give my mind a break from fighting those feelings of insufficiency. The realization that I wanted to write was truly a godsend because it erased some of my anxious feelings toward the future. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and couldn't bear the thought of returning to a college setting where I was so unhappy. Writing makes me happy and when I finally realized that, it took the dark weight from my mind and allowed me to think clearly for the first time in months. I went numb to deal with my insecurities and I thought I was past that. Apparently, numbness is a way to work though tough times and that's okay. I need to remind myself that I am okay and my life really will be okay. Actually more than okay,  it will be what I make it.