Numb

I am numb. I have been numb for the last 7 and a half days. I cant tell you if it was just the thought of going back to school or knowing how much I would miss being at home. A little while ago, I was told that “numb is something”. This time I think that something is a reversion to my most basic coping mechanism in order to deal with leaving again. The numb is starting to ware off as I get busier with the first day of class and official team activities. This numbness frightened me due to my recent encounters with the emotion and all of the negative feelings associated with it. 

My writing Epiphany couldn't have come at a better time. What I was feeling over the summer was anything but numb; the complete opposite actually. There was turbulent thoughts and feelings that came coursing to the surface as soon as the pressure from the school year was lifted. I found myself sitting on bridges watching traffic for hours at night just so I could give my mind a break from fighting those feelings of insufficiency. The realization that I wanted to write was truly a godsend because it erased some of my anxious feelings toward the future. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and couldn't bear the thought of returning to a college setting where I was so unhappy. Writing makes me happy and when I finally realized that, it took the dark weight from my mind and allowed me to think clearly for the first time in months. I went numb to deal with my insecurities and I thought I was past that. Apparently, numbness is a way to work though tough times and that's okay. I need to remind myself that I am okay and my life really will be okay. Actually more than okay,  it will be what I make it.